WARNING: If you do not care for free advice, then stop reading.
Although I can relate to your enthusiasm and your frustration; nevertheless I would like to share with you a small percentage of my memories, in the hope that you might do without anything remotely similar.
Just like you I did fall for (what turned out to be empty) slogans, charismatic leaders (still being followed by YOU today), false sense of patriotism and a strong will to survive.
Before I lay naked part (and a very small part indeed) of my soul to you I would ask of you to consider if you can afford to live with the following.
· Going to pay a visit to a friend’s house (within your restricted area) just to witness a man being tied to car (barely alive) being dragged on the asphalt hitting the sidewalk and anything else on the way of the Toyota jeep he was tied to?
· Being stopped at a check point manned by so called refugees (armed to the teeth) whilst on your left 4 of your fellow countrymen were slaughtered using a butcher knife from ear to ear?
· Having to listen to Sharif Al Akhawi (aka salkeh wa amneh) on the car radio to know which road is safe to take, knowing damn well that the information was valid for a very short lapse of time.
· Waiting endlessly in line to fill up your car with one gallon of fuel, not knowing if you might die in the crossfire cause by some overzealous militia men?
· Crossing the dividing line and seeing naked bodies hanged from their feet with their genitals cut off and taped to their mouth?
· Having your best friend gone mad to the extent that above his bed you can clearly see in pickle jars different body parts belonging to those who fell victim of his deranged mind?
· Having your parents worry each and every time you went out, not knowing if ever they will see you again?
· Carry all sorts of weapons on your side and in the boot of your car, and for any stupid reason feel like you can fire your weapon and get away with it?
· Enlist in a party and think that you have become invincible within your party sphere of influence?
· Obey blindly the decision your leaders passed on to you and wage a battle against your own brothers and those who fought alongside you (ie: Safra)?
· Join a humanitarian organization (Red Cross for example) just to find that it is not even respected by any of the feuding factions?
· And if you are a Christian, go to church to confess and be told by the same priest that provided you with weapons that you will rot in hell for you are spawn from the devil.
The above is nothing but a very small percentage of what you might have to deal with if you do not curb you blind allegiance to those who inflicted upon me (and many from my generation) the ailment I live with today. Ignorance is no longer allowed, nor tolerated; especially that information is at the grasp of every Tom Dick and Harry. In my days we did not have the luxury of a working telephone (and I am not talking about cellular) let alone the internet.
Do your research, read the documented events of the Lebanese war (1975). Take your time, analyse dogmas and speeches; and then decide if any of the current politicians is worth following and shouting “bil rou7 bil dam nifdik ya...”