Sunday, May 02, 2010

Snap: I have !

This title has nothing to do with what took place in Ketermaya, but still it had an effect on me. It did add to my conviction that we are no longer worthy, not just as Lebanese; but as human beings. In comparison it made me realize how fragile we all are. This incident made me realize that I still have an iota of humanity still brewing within my tormented soul. Even my twisted faith which would have dictated to me some righteous act of preservation is no longer valid. I am filled with anger, much more than any human can take. I have in the past vented such anger in despicable ways; but tonight, I saw tears in your eyes. And all my ailments suddenly faded away, and YOU know they are too heavy to handle. Still I feel that I am misunderstood by many, but “many” do not count; for I never entered a popularity contest. What you have failed to realize is that, according to me, I have paid my dues ten times fold and long for some reprieve. I now just want to retire and live peacefully. And peacefully for me is with you.
So take me for what I am, my job, my addictions, my ever changing mood, my faults (which I admit to); the same way I take you for what you are and all your shortcomings. Yes too hard to handle, but bear in mind that you can never enter my psyche; I don’t even dare to go there anymore. Too many memories and way too many feelings suppressed waiting to surface that it even scares me.
Damaged goods, yes according to many, but in comparison I mended my ways, and here I am years later still paying the price. When will it all end I say,  I am only looking for piece of mind; but my past is still biting me up the arse.

Tiered and weary I have become in all aspects of life. I have been run dry, and the fighter in me is now ready to let it all go for the “eternal sleep” that for awhile I have been longing for. But tonight, your tears made me realize that my time has not come yet.
My love for you has given me the strength to live even if it was for just another day, to make sure that you were OK.
And then, and only then, I could lay my had to sleep !


angie nader said...

so you snapped?

Marillionlb said...

Just about to !